Transcript from the 2023 Q3 Order of Ethical Vigilantes Meeting:
Brother Cloverleaf: “Hi everyone, thank you for joining us. If you look in front of you, you’ll see our agenda for today. Starting with the first item, I’d like - “
Sister Gouda: “Whose idea was it to meet at the Catalina Islands? The ferry ride over was awful.”
Brother Treefodder: “Seconded.”
Brother Cloverleaf: “Duly noted. We will add to the bottom of the agenda to consider sea sickness when considering our next assembly. Secretary Quail?”
Sibling Quail: “Added to the agenda.”
Brother Cloverleaf: “Moving on to the first agenda item then. Can we get project reports, starting with Sister Matterhorn?”
Sister Matterhorn: “Thank you, Chair Cloverleaf. I am pleased to report that this past quarter, I successfully dumped 250 metric tons of iron sulfate off the coast of the Canary islands, resulting in a Size 6 algae bloom, approximately 40% of which sank to the ocean floor. I estimate that this resulted in 200 million kilotons of carbon sequestration, roughly equal to the carbon footprint of Japan. Iron fertilization efforts were complicated by international authorities, which pursued our vessel for 70 klicks before we were eventually able to lose them. We’ll be monitoring the marine ecosystem closely to determine whether our biodiversity disruption mitigators are working as intended.”
Thunderous applause from the room.
Sister Matterhorn: “Next quarter, we plan to increase total iron fertilization amounts by tenfold, spread out over four successive dumps. This will be contingent on being able to reduce radar and heat signature emissions for our vessels, given that the authorities have intensified their efforts in apprehending us.”
Sister Dandelion: “I can help with that. I’ll speak to you offline.”
Sister Matterhorn: “Thank you.”
Brother Cloverleaf: “Nicely done, Sister Dandelion. Sibling Skyblue, I believe you’re next.”
Sibling Skyblue: “This past quarter, I successfully injected prions into the supply chain of every major beef agricultural company. This was the culmination of five years of work, the majority of which was spent modifying the prions such that the resulting Creutzeldt-Jakob disease in humans had an accelerated disease course.”
Brother Cloverleaf: “A translation for those of us who don’t have a degree in biology, please.”
Sister Pagoda: “He gave people fast-acting mad cow disease.”
Sibling Skyblue: “Ahem. As I was -”
Sister Pagoda: “You’re welcome.”
Sibling Skyblue: “- saying, the consumer panic after the diffuse yet small-in-absolute-numbers spread of Creutzeldt-Jakob disease led to a 60% decline in beef consumption. So far this decrease has been sustained. In addition to the obvious improvements in animal welfare, this also has led to benefits in the form of decreased methane emissions and a non-negligible expected decreases in colon cancer incidence within the U.S. adult population.”
Thunderous applause.
Brother Cloverleaf: “Well done, Sibling Skyblue. Brother Brown, you’re up next.”
Brother Brown: “As you all well know, the Oslo Summit took place last week. On the day that formal negotiations were set to take place between the Israeli and Palestinian representatives, I spiked the water supply with MDMA. This led to better than expected diplomatic negotiations.”
Brother Cloverleaf: “I have a feeling you’re being quite modest here, Brother Brown, when you say ‘better than expected.’ Did they come to an agreement?”
Brother Brown: “For now, they’ve agreed to a formal ceasefire, which can be considered a surprising outcome. The majority of both sides’ diplomats were present and appear to be coping well with their unexpected empathy and warmth towards one another. Several of them appear to have declared their counterparts the godparents of their children. I will be monitoring the durability of the effect, and will redose as necessary.”
Thunderous applause
Brother Brown: “Sister Clementine, you’re up next.”
Sister Clementine: “Last quarter, I described the method by which I laced the Philips Tobacco shareholder meeting with Gympie Gympie extract.”
Brother Brown: “Could you please recap, for those of us who weren’t here last meeting, what Gympie Gympie extract is?”
Sister Clementine: “It is a neurotoxin produced by Dendrocnide Moroides, an Australian bush plant more commonly called Gympie Gympie. The delivery vehicle is tiny trichomes, or brittle hairs, which embed themselves into the skin and produce excruciating pain for up to a year, otherwise known as Catastrophic Pain Syndrome.”
Brother Brown: “Thank you for the summary.”
Sister Clementine: “Of course. Since the events of last quarter, investors have been divesting from Phillips and similar tobacco conglomerates, due to fear of personal retribution. This quarter, I employed a similar tactic on the investor meeting of the Whale Science Consortium, a front that organizes large-scale whaling under the guise of studying whale behavior.”
Brother Brown: “And?”
Sister Clementine: “After the majority of whaling corporation heads were hospitalized, whaling activity is down 70% this past quarter. I have proven that Catastrophic Pain Syndrome as applied to sin industries is a strong deterrent and a suitable method of negating the aura of protection provided by LLC’s. I plan to expand my efforts to the arms industry next year.”
Thunderous applause.
Brother Brown: “As a reminder to you all, lunch today consists of an entirely vegan sushi buffet.”
Unknown member of audience: “Bring back Taco Madras! Bring back Taco Madras! Bring back Taco -”
Brother Brown: “Suggestions about catering aside, let’s move on to our next report. Sister Sieve?”
Sister Sieve: “This past quarter, I infiltrated the COVID vaccine plants, and introduced a lipid-avid meta-stable version of semaglutide into this season’s COVID boosters. Estimating a roughly 70% adoption rate by the general U.S. population, the majority of Americans will have a intramuscular depot of a GLP-1 agent which will slow-release over the next six months.”
Silence from the audience.
Sister Sieve: “If the effects from the STEP 2 trial translate, then the majority of Americans should experience a 8-10% weight loss in the next six months. By repeating this every year, I expect to bring levels of metabolic syndrome back down to 1970 levels in the next four years.”
Appreciative murmurs.
Brother Brown: “Any plans to bring this to the E.U.? We are wary in general of America-centrism, as stated in our charter.”
Sister Sieve: “I can work with some of our E.U.-based siblings, yes.”
Polite applause.
Brother Brown: “Last but not least - Brother Lyland?”
Brother Lyland: “As you all may know, the conversion of grasshoppers to locusts is normally produced by tactile stimulation of the hind legs. Overcrowding thus gives rise to locust swarming. This quarter, I identified a key hormone which is involved in this process and which can bypass the need for tactile stimulation. I then mass-produced it and sprayed it across multiple fields in mid-West America, thereby creating the largest locust swarm seen in this past century.”
Crickets from the audience.
Brother Brown: “That was you?”
Brother Lyland: “Yep!”
Brother Brown: “Why would… what possible good could have come of that?”
Brother Lyland: “Given that locusts are above average in intelligence for their phyllum, and given that I caused the creation of many billions if not trillions of locusts when none previously existed, I overall produced a net good in the world from a utilitarian perspective.”
Brother Brown: “But…”
Brother Lyland: “If you were a locust, you would choose existence over non-existence, would you not?”
Crowd mumbles restlessly.
Brother Lyland: “It’s well established that our group as a whole views non-human lives as having some small amount of value proportional to its degree of sentience. Therefore, I…”
Voice from audience: “I move to strike Brother Lyland from the Order by invocation of Value Drift!”
Crowd murmurs in agreement.
Brother Lyland: “Look, you’re all being entirely speciest here. If you assume the Veil of Ignorance and - “
Brother Brown: “All in favor of striking Brother Lyland from the Order?”
Thunderous roar of ayes.
Brother Brown: “The ayes have it. Brother Lyland, you are found guilty of Value Drift, and thereby stripped of your membership. As you have knowledge of the existence of our group, you are also sentenced to lifetime imprisonment on the Island of Whispers.”
Brother Lyland: “But -”
Brother Brown: “Sibling Ladle, take him away.”
Brother Lyland has his robe removed and his hands are tied. He is led away from the conference hall.
Brother Brown: “A reminder to all of our members that we limit the Repugnant Conclusion to philosophy discussion groups only. Please review our guide-laws at your convenience; you can find the most updated version in our Box folder. Now, moving on to the next phase of our meeting, I’d like to introduce our guest speaker Sister Boot. You may all know her from her work involving helium reserve conservation - certainly I myself find her an inspiration. But she’s here to talk about her journey to ethical vigilantism. Let’s give a round of applause for Sister Boot and her talk: ‘Doing Chaotic Good Better!’”
Roaring applause, as Sister Boot walks on-stage, taking the podium.
A very satisfying read 😁
You might want to add some indication that the downsides of iron fertilization have been averted in this world, though
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Iron_fertilization